please stop

So. 

The fuck is up with this trend?

The other night I am innocently trying to watch late night trash TV, and every other commercial is an ad for easy clip-on feather hair extensions. I literally saw the commercial over ten times and by the end I felt like I had been figuratively slapped in the face with a steaming pile of horse shit. I guess I shouldn’t pretend like I’m too surprised, considering that since the release of that abortion of a film Garden State every female with no true sense of identity thinks that throwing on some tacky thrift shift (that doesn’t match) will make her look quirky and deep.

Newsflash: it makes you look like a moron. When your clothes don’t match, and when you have what look like elementary school craft supplies elmer’s glued to the side of your head - you fucking look like shit. You are parading around your identity crisis and immaturity for all to see, so good fucking job. 

I imagine that the look most would attempt to accomplish with these fowl accessories (yes I intend the pun) would be to appear more in touch with nature, or one with the Earth. EARTHY - if you will. Well they make you look like a crazy shit who needs to take a trip to the loony bin. A few pipe cleaners and fabric and you are on a one way street to modeling a George Clinton-esque “I’m a dirty hippy who’s mind is gone and does a ton of drugs” look. How wonderful! If that is the impression you wish to convey, then fucking go for it by all means. Who am I to stop you? 

Every image I could conjure for this involves a celebrity that I could only put into the category “most idiotic dimwitted fucks”. So there you go. 

Oh and they are incredibly racist. If you wear these, you are a full blown racist. You might as well grab a tomahawk and jump around chanting vowel sounds. You fucking racist. 

Do you wear denim shorts or skirt cutoffs that purposefully show the pockets hanging out of the bottom? 

Congratulations, you are a dirty, ignorant, stupid fucking skank! 

Where do I begin with this shit? So first of all if you are wearing denim cutoffs that are above the knee and frayed in any way, I immediately have to knock off 50 IQ points from what I would originally assess of you (which presumably wouldn’t be much.) I can only predict that you came up with the fabulous idea to go and purchase this piece of shit, otherwise referred to as “denim diaper”, under the influence of popular media icons such as Britney “I’m a dirty stupid redneck” Spears or Miley “fuck me in my face” Cyrus. This is reason enough for me to believe you have the intellectual capacity of a god damned brick if you are willing to follow the guidance of these shall we say “gems” of modern society. Who would knowingly buy a garment that has been purposefully cut, torn, and ripped to the point that they look like they rolled out of a dumpster somewhere after having been violently gang raped?  It seems as though they feel it is the world’s privilege to see them wear something so short if they sneeze their vagina may very well fall out of the fucking bottom. 

Let me be the first to tell any of you who wear something like this: IT LOOKS LIKE SHIT. I don’t want to see your orange dimply ass parading around thinking you look like something Jesus Christ shit out himself. Newsflash: If anyone is staring at you, it’s most likely because they are wondering how many dicks you sucked last weekend, and if they are male, if you will suck theirs. They are NOT however thinking of how fantastic and attractive you look in your billboard of an outfit that reads “I am an idiot, I work at a minimum wage job, and recently contracted crabs!”

In conclusion, if you pair this with a pair of ugg boots…This effect is exponentiated by 1,000 percent. And also I am probably fantasizing about murdering you, because the world would be such a better place. 

This is an important Public Service Announcement concerning low rise jeans: Do. Not. Wear. Them. I think I speak for everyone who has ever witnessed the cavernous abyss of a butt crack slyly peeking out of the top of a pair of some dumb whore’s pants, glistening in all of its putrescent glory - it is nothing we want to see.

This is exponentiated so much more due to the fact that for whatever reason, most of these slut-rider jeans are worn by women who are at least 25 pounds overweight. All I need to ask here is WHY. If you know that at least 75% of the lower mass of your body resides in your ass, why do you deem it necessary to wear the pants that do nothing but accentuate how truly fat, and obviously poor and dumb you are (considering these are the only jeans available at your local neighborhood Kmart).

Not only this, but they often wear them at least 3 sizes too small. So now you have a whale trying to wear jeans that sit halfway down their grotesque humongous horse ass, that also squeeze their fat saddle bags so tightly that they spill over onto the top. This can only be referred to as the worst kind of visual aberration known to modern fashion: a muffin top. Yet, I think you and I can both agree, that is one muffin that nobody wants a bite of. Fucking ugh sick puke.

Now just round off these babies with a tribal tramp stamp, seemingly growing out of the top of the cutoffs like some horrible parasitic weed that wreaks of gonorrhea and disappointment, and you have a perfect representation of something that only the worst pieces of human refuse would consider to wear. Harsh? Maybe. Truthful? Definitely. 

Yet again another innovation that needs to be wiped off the face of the Earth. Eliminate this plague before it’s too late. 

This has been a PSA by the Strauss administration against the fashionably (and functionally) retarded. Thank you. 

The recent stint of rainy weather we’ve had in Atlanta has reminded me of one of the most formidable and unforgivable fashion fuck-ups ever concocted: Rain Gear. 

Cool, so its raining outside. Rather than just throwing on some decent all seasons knee-high riding boots fashioned from any of the plethora of water tolerant material, you decide it would be in your best interest to throw on a pair of boots (astoundingly sometimes coat to match) made out of the material they use to fashion children’s pool toys and a great deal of adult sex toys alike. And no, it’s not enough for you to leave it at that: you decide it would be cute, in whatever fucked up fantasy land you live in, to wear this material in colors bright enough to hurt the eyes of anyone unfortunate enough to lay their eyes on your stupid ass. 

So let me get this straight. Considering it is raining outside, rather than dealing with it in a way that doesn’t make you look like a complete fucking moron, the way the human race has dealt with rain for almost the entirety of their existence - you decide that you are going to surpass your predecessors by utilizing accessories that make you look like bozo the clown, if he were fashioned out of a beach ball that flew out of the TRON universe. And let’s not forget the fucking incessant symphony of squeaking latex that follows you with every ignorant step you take. That sound immediately makes me want to take your butthurt boots off and beat you as hard as I can in your stupid retard face.

This shit is not cute. This shit is not hip. This shit is infuriating, and you look/sound like an irrevocably moronic airhead. If you own any accessory to protect you from rainfall other than an umbrella (sans any fugly designs or idiot fucking shit on it), I recommend you burn it…..because likely if I see it, I’ll set it on fire myself.